Pages

Friday, February 11, 2022

Am I Living on Revolutionary Road?

I first posted this little rant in January of 2010, over 12 years ago.  I'm shocked at how relevant it is to me today.  A week or two ago, a friend and I chatted and she asked me why we don't just get divorced already.  That just isn't going to happen for a number of reasons, but a lot of it has to do with the same reason many couples just drag it out until death.  When I wrote this piece, that's when I should have divorced.  I'm currently doing individual counseling and eventually, we will get to these sort of feelings.  In the mean time, I enjoy reading this one from 2010. (I have not checked the links).

The other night my wife and I watched that movie Revolutionary Road, the story of two really angry people. From the very beginning of the movie it was clear that the wife just had some serious rage bubbling down inside, and the husband was making an effort to keep her from boiling over. And not five minutes into the movie, the yelling and screaming begins. It isn't horror movie; it's life.

My wife and I don't get into shouting matches and all out arguments are rare. But I so connected with the husband in this movie; one minute his wife is absolutely thrilled with their life and as happy as can be, then seemingly without a trigger, she is hating the world and it is all his fault. And he is not without blame. Underneath the smile and efforts to tip-toe around whatever her latest complaint is going to be, he is seething in anger about it all. Where we differ is, I simply don't respond to it anymore.

I often feel for my wife. I feel like an ass for simply not caring. I know there are times when she just needs me to hold her or pay attention to her, but I simply can't flip the switch the way she does. I have never been one to let arguments linger. If a co-worker and I disagree over something, I'm quick to move on from it. Life is too short. But over time, if there is a constant tone of negativity, surely even the most forgiving of people are impacted.

Imagine a guy getting up in the morning and just kicking the shit out of his dog, over and over again all day long, but every few hours, tossing the dog a little treat, followed by more kicking. And then at night, the owner wants the dog to come curl up in bed. I feel like the dog in this scenario quite a bit, yet I feel guilty about it. Go figure.

Like the couple in Revolutionary Road, the husband is not without guilt. He is no husband of the year and I accept that I would not win any such awards. My mind wanders endlessly. When we drive, beneath the sound of the radio, the non-stop chattering of my wife who can't stop talking, I am lost in thought only picking up on a few key words here and there. Where most people engage in conversation during a drive, I pretend to listen but rarely even grunt any sort of response. If you had a tape recording of a trip to the store, it would sound as if if my wife were practicing a monologue on her top ten complaints of the day.

When I get home from work, I don't get even a minute to myself before the flood, the total fire hose of one sided conversation comes pouring out of her. You would think that I would at least nod my head or try to engage but I learned a long time ago that there is no winning in either agreeing or disagreeing with what she has to say. My wife literally argues with me when I agree with her, so what is the point? She can't take yes for an answer and she can't take no for answer, so why choose?

I can't tell you how many times a conversation goes just like this:
her: "Hey, Honey, why don't we go eat at Chili's?"
me: "Sure, sounds great. Let's go"
her: "Well I got this coupon and if we don't use it before the 15th it will expire and I am really tired of us getting these coupons and wasting them."
me: (silence)
her: "And not only that, I am not making anything for dinner, so if you want to eat, you better take me out."

Another favorite:
her: "I really want to go to Chili's."
me: "Sure, sounds great. Let's go."
her: "Or if you want we can go someplace else."
me: "Chili's is fine."
her: "We could go to Applebee's or Bennigan's."
me: "I thought you wanted to go to Chili's?"
her: "Well, if you have your heart set on it, I guess we can go there, but next time I get to choose."

These conversations are just irritants. When I get to be old enough to have a hearing aid, I'll look forward to being able to turn the volume down and simply ignore her. The conversations that have left me crawling further and further into my own world are the ones that revolve around put downs and complaints about me personally. I don't think I am a thin-skinned person, I'm just tired of being the dog. And of course, if I was the only target, I would think that I must really just be a mess. But no, we can never have two good kids. There is always one bad kid. My children, thankfully adults and no longer living at home, can never both be in her good graces at once. And there is no rhyme or reason to when the switch occurs. Ditto for her family members.

So look, I could go on and on about this but why bother? Life is too short to lose one's mind over these so insignificantly small things when there are so many people who have real issues to worry about. We live a comfortable life. We aren't hurting for money and in spite of that anger beneath the surface, we aren't at each other's throats. As Melvin Udall might say, what if this is as good as it gets?

If you haven't seen Revolutionary Road, I don't recommend it. It was depressing and sad and just full of yelling. But it might put your own marriage into perspective.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I liked 'Revolutionary Road' but for other reasons.
I agree, it can be a telling of similar functions in a marriage. I sympathize with you here, as I was in a similar situation.
I finally had enough, and moved out.
I'm in a much better place now, and we do not yell and torment each other with the drivel you are faced with.
Tough decision, yes, but it's for the better

Anonymous said...

" ... Life is too short to lose one's mind over these so insignificantly small things when there are so many people who have real issues to worry about. We live a comfortable life. We aren't hurting for money and in spite of that anger beneath the surface, we aren't at each other's throats. As Melvin Udall might say, what if this is as good as it gets? ..."

I think that your life is as good as it gets. I think she is married to a saint. I hate Chili's.

monkey girl said...

Thanks for writing this, I'm reading it for the first time now. It's the opposite in my marriage. The underlying rage my husband has but doesn't display(except for rare occasions) is slowly driving me insane. And doing into my head lately is the only place I feel safe I guess. Hard to explain, and I'm no angel either, I'm sure I'm difficult to live with....but the anger confuses me.

bdenied said...

this really puts things in context from what we have discussed and I understand it so much better.