Wednesday, November 2, 2011

It Seems Like Such an Easy Task...

The other day I posted "Cue the pool boy", and got a question from a woman in love to a gay man (AWILTAGM) who commented, "I am sorry.  I need to know why. Why can't you F#*@ her like that?  What stops you? It seems like such an easy task."  I think this question deserves a post of its own, so I'll try to offer up an honest answer here, but I apologize in advance, I get really long-winded about these things.

Most importantly, every relationship is different and I hope that my reasons are not somehow taken as a response for other men who have lost the passion they once had.  You have seen the picture of an extremely beautiful model and the caption reads something like, "no matter how smoking hot she is, there is some lucky boyfriend who is just sick of her shit".  And there is an old saying I have heard that, you can only have sex with a woman 1,000 times before you grow tired of it.  I think my issue partially falls somewhere between the two of those.  The fact that over time, my Kinsey Scale number has gradually moved from a 0 to a 3 (I know, it doesn't really move), probably adds to it, but that isn't what keeps me from passion with my wife.

So why couldn't I just plan one day to march into the house after work, grab my wife into my arms and carry her to the bedroom, rip her clothes off and take her forcibly with passion and desire?  It sounds easy enough. Over the years, there have been these moments of desire.  Either I initiated something from the start or during sex I went above and beyond.  But for the most part, it would just seem so forced.  I've always said there is no such thing as a bad blow job, but really, there is.  If someone is not into it, you know.  I'm not an S&M person, but I can imagine if a lover wanted to be submissive to a partner, but that partner had no desire to be dominant, sure, some pleasure could be gained. The one pretending to be dominant could act out a few things, but over all, it probably would not be satisfying for either party.  You can only fake so much.

I don't want to equate this to being gay at all, but seriously, if you have not even the slightest propensity for homosexual acts, you probably won't be very good at blowing another guy or kissing another man with passion.  Could you fake it?  Sure.  If you were a man with a gun to your head, you could blow another guy.  If you were an actor trying to win an award, you could kiss another man on the lips and collect your gold at an awards show.  But to do this for 25 years?

I have bi tendencies, but of course I am attracted to women.  There is an emotional side of this that goes beyond the sexuality issue.  There was a period during our marriage where the stress of being married was just overwhelming for both of us.  It was not a good thing for us or our kids.  I had just spent a year in Korea and as much as we tried to fix the problems we had via letters, the damage was done.  Within a year of my return, it was not good at all.  I moved into an apartment less than a mile from our home and had the kids 3 to 4 days a week, while she had the kids the other days.  We were actually divorced.  It was the best thing that could happen for the kids and us.

During that time, she dated several guys - mostly younger men.  I never felt jealousy when she dated these other men, though I was naturally protective of my kids. She swore that the guys only stayed the night if the kids were with me, and that was all I worried about. In short, I had never been the jealous type when we were married, and now, I couldn't have cared less about who she slept with.  I think this is an important factor to note.  Honestly, I have the opposite reaction that most men have upon learning that their wife had sex with a man with a huge dick.  Most men feel rage, I don't.

Over time, the fighting stopped and what happened was, in an effort to manage our kids, our jacked up financial situation and life in general, we became friends.  I lived so close and I was always ether picking up the kids or dropping them off that she never hesitated to call me to fix things or mow the yard or whatever.  My in-laws never treated me as if we were divorced.  Her entire family took my side when it came to choosing sides, so there was never any uncomfortable family gatherings. We did Christmas together and we took the kids on outings together.

Just after a year of being apart, we started doing the occasional booty call thing.  There was no date, no romance, just her showing up at my apartment, stripping and us doing it quick and dirty, then she'd be gone.  For me anyway, it was just getting off.

One Friday night I was over at the house and we sat out on the back patio and talked.  She conveniently cracked open a bottle of Jack Daniels and as I grew intoxicated, we mapped out our strategy for getting back together - for the kids.  By chance, my pager went off and it was the number of a girl I had been seeing.  My wife (then ex-wife) called the number and basically told the lady that I was married and to never call back again.  That made for an easy break-up.

When I woke up in bed the next morning with my wife, the kids walked into the room and in spite of being a little confused, seemed happy.  I of course had this sinking feeling in my gut, and it wasn't the ill effects of nearly half a bottle of Jack.

It took almost another full month before I cleared out of my apartment and fully moved back in the house.  Over the next year, we sold the house, moved into a new home and had even had a few more threesomes with friends.  But the trouble began again. My wife has a temper that goes from zero to bitch at the snap of a finger. She fights extremely dirty in terms of the words she uses and the things she says.  Things that you would never consider saying to someone you love, regardless of how upset you are, are simply tools in her fight.  In short, when she is upset, she goes for the jugular verbally.  And then, 15 minutes later wants to know if you'd like a bowl of ice cream.  She is not bi-polar, but she does fight like she is.

Over time, I simply learned to suppress all emotion for the sake of the kids and the sake of my sanity.  I wrote about some of this in Revolutionary Road.  Instead of restating it here, just click the link.

I truly believe that it is possible to separate sex from love.  That is, I do believe that marriages between two loving and committed people can include outside sexual partners as long as everyone is open and honest. But I do not believe that you can fake passion, even if you are in love.

I know that I should probably see a counselor to help me deal with the feelings and perhaps help me unlock the passion that I have withheld from my wife all these years.  But I suppose that is why I have a blog where I write about things like this.  So, AWILTAGM, I hope this provided you some insight to at least my reason.  It does seem like such an easy task, but when you dig a little deeper, it really isn't.

Questions or comments from the group are appreciated!


Anonymous said...

I apologize in advance if you already addressed the things I ask or say here in previous posts that I have not yet read.

First, a question from the "Revolutionary Road" post: Do you want to still be with your wife? You discussed here that you two split, even divorced, and eventually reunited for your children. In that post, your children are now adults. So, have you considered splitting again? Some couples really are happier as friends or even FWBs than they are married.

Second, you mention having some threesomes. Have you two done this lately? If not, then would you two be open to trying that again? Whether with a bi male that you two can share or with another man who focuses on her? Or you might want to expand upon that, possibly seeing whether she or you both may play alone with others.

I do not agree with the "swinging to save the relationship" mentality; I consider that a horrible idea. However, here you are seeking to satisfy particular physical desires that the two of you alone do not satisfy. Your particular concern is that she wants to be passionately f**ked in a way that you feel you cannot, and you feel guilt over this. Another man, whether in the form of a regular playmate or a series of partners, whether someone you share or someone she has alone, could bring in that fresh passion for her that you currently lack and cannot fake.

Roger W. said...

Another great post. I think you and I are long lost brothers. I feel very much the way you do about love and marriage (and sex). Good to know I'm not alone in my thinking (and behavior). Thanks.

JFBreak said...

@WeekBiWeek: Do you want to still be with your wife?
In short, yes. I have no intention of leaving my wife a second time. In spite of the harsh tone and obvious suppressed anger in my post, I do love her and frankly, long ago accepted our situation. I should add that over the last few years, things have been much better, and the occasional posts I write with negative comments about my wife are simply snapshots in time; it doesn't reflect the other 90 percent of our marriage.

... threesomes. Have you two done this lately? If not, then would you two be open to trying that again?

I'm always open! My wife knows that I am open to it and she also knows that if she found herself in a situation where she wanted to have sex with another guy, I would be cool with it.

I do believe that we will eventually have a threesome (or her alone with) Pancho, a regular reader here who actually grew up with my wife. We both fantasize about him a lot. The too of them trade naughty pictures and no telling what conversations they have. Problem is, he is married to a jealous wife in another state. But I think it will happen. I would also be open to a different guy if it was someone she felt comfortable with, but it isn't something we plan. If it happens, it will happen.

I do not agree with the "swinging to save the relationship" mentality; I consider that a horrible idea.

I agree with you. That also goes for people who get pregnant to save the marriage.

@RogerW: I always appreciate your comments. It is nice to know that I have a "brother from another mother"!

Anonymous said...

This post made me feel guilty. I think I am more often like your wife than I am not. However, being self aware doesn't help the situation. Yes, we have both made mistakes, big ones, but I am the one with the hardest time moving on. I think alot of this is simple biology. Men can easily move on and women struggle.

As for feeling guilty, it sucks, but I try daily to be aware of what I say and do. NOT EASY, but atleast I try.