My letter to Dan Savage that I probably won't ever send.
Dear Dan Savage,
I am a 48 year-old, happily married, possibly bi man. Over the last few months, I have downloaded every single one of your Savage Love Casts and you and your callers to the show have been the only thing I have listened to each morning as I have driven to work, each afternoon while driving home from work, and each evening as I walked on the treadmill. This intensive immersion into the problems, advice, information, and overall mind-opening that your experience and wisdom offers for free has had an incredible impact on my own personal wellness. In short, I could not possibly have had so many personal questions about myself explored or answered if I had spent two years lying on the couch in some head shrinks office answering the question, "and how does that make you feel?" So many of my own assumptions and attitudes have been shattered by hearing your point of view with regard to common everyday relationship questions. You have changed many of the conditions that I will require when making decisions on who I will support politically. You have changed how I perceive my Internet habits, removing the occasional guilt I had for discretely writing about sex on a personal blog and of course, enjoying porn without providing every detail to my wife.
Based on your response to a caller who said he was really interested in performing oral on another guy but was not otherwise interested in any other gay stuff, I'm starting to question whether or not I'm even bisexual. I too love the aspect of blowing (or being blown) by other guys, but as I have maintained as long as I've accepted this part of my sexuality, I have no interest in dating or having a romantic relationship with a man. I suppose a truly bisexual person would entertain committed relationships with either male or female partners; all I want to do is have sex with both. Just at a time when I have become most comfortable in taking on the label of "bi", perhaps I'm just a horny straight guy open to all sorts of sex. I guess the question is, have I been misunderstanding what it is to be officially labeled (I hate labels) bisexual?
This whole issue is fairly important, to me anyway, because I have not come out to my family (other than my wife) as bi and have felt somewhat guilty about not showing support for my gay and lesbian friends by doing so. For me, my interests in the bi-side have been pretty much a sexual interest and the only social impact of it to me is the opinion of others. Unlike the case of two gay people who are denied certain rights, me wanting to engage in occasional dick sucking with other consenting adults does not have any impact on my right to be married, how I file my taxes or the benefits I receive at my job. For the last near decade that I have come to accept for myself who I think I am (a bisexual), I have felt like I should come out to support the cause of other bi and gay folks, if only to prove to the straight public that they really do know people who are GLBT.
What do I really feel? I feel that my interest in MM sex is simply a kink for me. No different than my turn-on of threesomes or the fact that I am hugely turned on by the whole Hot Wife scenario. I would never share with my kids or my parents or my boss, the fact that my wife and I have engaged in threesomes, so why is important to share that I have sucked a few dicks over time? We don't announce in a family newsletter that my wife has a box full of vibrators (including a butt-plug that feels so wonderful in my ass) or the provide statistics on the number of times we have sex each year, so why is this one aspect of my sexuality important to be known to others?
I guess this is my question and my dilemma. Am I bisexual or am I just a kinky straight guy with wider boundaries than your typically straight male?
Dan Savage may not answer my question, but if any readers have thoughts or comments, I'd love your opinions.
5 comments:
I have no answers to your dilema--not sure if is a dilema--I personally call myself a straightish woman--married for 20 years--it is a spectrum right? I may feel less or more straight in a month, a year a decade from now. When I am comfortable with people and friends I tell them my feelings about my own and the diversity of humans as sexual beings.
Thanks for turning me on to Dan Savage--I love him and feel as you do about his wisdom--I love it when he says "sometimes you just want to fuck the shit out of someone" My sentiments exactly.
Regards
Steph
I too am dealing with this certain situation as a married female of almost 21 years.
Wow is there enough for a club of us?
I just feel like a sexual human being and don't want the label. It sets me up for expectations that I don't think I could hold up to. And don't know if I want to for that matter.
I love the gay and the bi, and the straight and the narrow and the whomever else.
I have enough labeling in my own every day life that I can't get around so I'm just going for the ride and see what transpires along the way.
You are right, I dont think family needs to know about sexual encounters. You wouldn't normally tell them what you do in bed, so why would we have to divuldge any other sexual activity. I could see if you were leaving your marriage and seeking out a male companion and want him to be part of the family and need to be understood from people. But if it's just purely sex and kink I don't think family needs to know.
Just my opinion.
Hugs.
Well, I think your instinct to avoid labels is probably suiting you at-moment.
I am a strong believer in the Kinsey spectrum (or, at least, the principle of it if not the specifics). We're all somewhere along a line of sexuality--ranging from exclusively heterosexual to exclusively homosexual. So you're a little farther, maybe, toward the hetero line than a lot of self-identified bisexuals?
I can understand your resistance to coming out--and your feeling like maybe you should to support the GLBT community. In a way, I wish that I felt more (or any, really) people knew that I had an open marriage so that they could start to see that as normative as well--and not some freaky anomaly.
But personal lives are a different thing than political statements. We have to deal with people, not principles.
I guess what I'm saying is--do what you feel comfortable with. There will be plenty of out-and-bi guys and gals who are comfortable with coming out and will pave the way for a more accepting society. There will always be those that--even in a more permissive culture--prefer to keep their orientation private.
P.S. I also LOVE Dan Savage. I used to sneak copies of the "edgy" city paper when I was in junior high during rare trips downtown so I could read Savage Love. :) Ah, youth.
In a way, I wish that I felt more (or any, really) people knew that I had an open marriage so that they could start to see that as normative as well--and not some freaky anomaly.
What the hell was that sentence?
*In a way, I wish that I felt I COULD TELL more (or any, really) people that I had an open marriage...
I don't think it matters what you are to be honest. You are honest with your partner, are happy, and enjoy a little guy on guy action. As a totally gay 100% bottom, I've slept with enough downlow guys (my last guy, who spent an hour fucking me bareback and cumming up my ass said that he was straight and discreet, not bi) to know that self-reflection of the kind you mentioned puts you leagues ahead of other people.
I dont of course have any answers but this level of self-reflection means that you arent trying to fool yourself about anything and thats the only thing that matters.
be well.
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