I sat across from the administrative assistant in our command section, half watching the news on the TV above her desk and half killing time waiting for a meeting. She is a nice lady, a dark-skinned black woman who looks frumpy in her military uniform, but having seen her dressed to the nines at an office party, I know how smoking hot she really is.
I know this sounds strange coming from the old fat guy in the middle of my mid-life crisis, but she likes me. She lights up when I stop by her desk. She always stops what she is doing and laughs at my stories and ever since I learned that she uses a stripper pole as a form of exercise, I've had naughty thoughts about her. I even asked her if she would be my "at work girlfriend" and she enthusiastically agreed before asking what the job entailed. It doesn't entail anything, other than if it did, I felt glad that she was okay with it.
She is not unlike many military people who is married to another military member. Her husband and daughter live in another state, so she is married but living single. I don't think that translates to open marriage or cheater, but I'm gonna guess she gives her vibe a good workout.
In the past, we've had some frank conversations about current events or topical issues that push the line of appropriateness for an office environment. I guess I bring that out in people. So today, as I sat there casually watching CNN and their afternoon anchor show serious leg, I commented that she was trying to be like the beauty pageant contestants on Fox News. She looked up at the monitor and saw the long slender display of one leg crossed over the other. She had a genuine look of surprise on her face when she looked back at me. "Oh my God, you're right."
"How is this news?", I asked. "It's like soft core porn for middle aged white guys." I was looking for a laugh but she only smiled and nodded approvingly.
I looked up at the clock on the wall and saw that I had about five more minutes before my meeting. The lady that I usually spend way too much time flirting with in another office walked by the doorway and looked at me sitting there and smiled. I didn't want to read anything into it, any thought that maybe she was jealous of the old guy making time with all the ladies in the office.
"So, what kind of porn do you watch?" I asked with a completely straight face.
I could have just asked her what brand of mayonnaise she prefers because her response was immediate and without the slightest bit of embarrassment. "Oh, I usually stick to oral. I don't need any of the story to go along with it, I just want to jump straight to it and see nothing but oral."
I tried to remain nonchalant about it all. "So you mean like a man going down on a woman?"
"Yes. That's my thing. I guess sometimes I like to look at the woman doing it to the man because I think I can learn some new things. Oh, and I have to turn the volume down. I hate that fake porn noise the women make. You know what I mean? I mean, if a woman is doing it with three guys and has someone in her mouth and someone in each of her holes, yea, I guess that might hurt, but why do they have to make all that noise?"
Was she fucking with me? If she hadn't otherwise been so open about the other conversations we had in the past, I might think so, but this is the woman who sat there one day telling the sixty-year old secretary about all the stuff she bought from Victoria's Secret during lunch. She just isn't shamed about sex.
As I sat there listening, my other girlfriend walked back by the office. She looked in and smiled again. And I was sure I had a noticeable semi-boner in my slacks.
I stood up and pressed myself against the flat cubicle panel in front of the desk. I leaned in a bit and asked if she ever watched any lady on lady oral scenes.
"Oh, Lord no. That would hurt my heart." She actually put her hand to her chest.
"I take it seeing two men go at it would be out of the question?" I asked, knowing the answer.
"Oh, that just hurts me to see something like that. I have all these friends that are coming out and I just don't understand it. They are nice people but I just don't get it. I know this one guy who came out, he introduced me to his boyfriend. Well, at least he got himself a really beautiful man."
And just like that, my boner faded.
"Your meeting starts in about one minute." she said.
I'll need to work on her attitude toward the gays.