When you think of it as an online journal, some sort of public daily diary, there has to be a recognition that your are seeking some sort of attention. Otherwise, why put it online? Why not scribble notes in a book or have a secret thumb-drive full of essays written at the end of the day? When I started this blog in 2007, I already knew I had some urges involving exposing my personal inner fights with sexuality. At that time, I already realized I was Bi (cue the troll) but was struggling with how to process it. I also already knew about my eagerness for what the Internet was calling the Hotwife culture, and in 2007, I just assumed that aspect of my life was over.
I recall that feeling of looking at my old SiteMeter counter and learning that 100 different visitors had read my blog in a single day. It seemed as if I was revealing things about myself that either connected with other readers or at least, intrigued them enough to click on the button. No, I wasn't posting anything that would ever bring on fame and fortune, but this blog for years has brought me an incredible outlet for my ideas, my weird thoughts, a place to share in great detail sexual exploits, and a good number of people willing to take a few minutes to e-mail me. I appreciate that, so very much.
My problem isn't so much the blog or what I have written about. The problem is that, with the exception of the two fictional stories I posted, the things I have written are true with only minor (and often too, too minor) changes to shield people's identities. And as many of you who have followed for a while know, instead of using this blog as my only outlet for revealing those otherwise private details of my life (and the lives of those around me), I have grown bolder and opened up many details of myself to people I know, often at work, often with close family friends.
This behavior can seem reckless, almost self-destructive. In this age of public shaming, of outrage over anything, of finding bad intent or offense in casual conversation, I've allowed my inner craving of being open and honest with people to get the better of my otherwise common sense approach to the vetting process. What that means is, I have allowed the thrill, the adrenaline rush of revealing myself to people I should never have either burdened with or trusted with, much of the things I have written about here. Not to say anything has come of it. I'm not preparing for testimony before some Senate Sub-Committee on Creepiness. But suffice it to say, in this world of "Gotcha", once it has been said, that train has left the station.
Easily, the vast majority of people who know me in person and also know my blog story are either okay because they've got their own kinks to worry about, or are simply unfazed by anything I think is super sexy and revealing. You've sucked a dick? Big deal. Who hasn't? You've had threesomes? Big deal. My wife pulled a train last New year's Eve. But there may be one, possibly two of the people I've revealed truths about myself to that could someday, for whatever reason, simply expose the truth in an uncomfortable way. But we all face that in everyday interactions with the people in our lives. There is a reason why gossip is bad.
There is no immediate threat, there is no urgent issue, I am not hiding from creditors. I just needed to revert to DRAFT mode for a while and really contemplate what I wanted to share both on this blog and in my reality or as the kids used to say, In Real Life.
At some point, I'll be posting again regularly, and at some point, perhaps some of the old posts will pop back up as blasts from the past. But I do need to do a lot of editing. One reader told me that she found a lot of broken links in the older posts, and that is some house cleaning that needs to be done.
I know, once on the Internet, it is there forever. My problem has been that, the same applies to what I tell the people in real life. I need to take stock of that and use the appropriate outlet for the information being revealed.