Dear Moral Authority,
We sat in our regular pub and had a tall beer waiting to meet up with another couple for dinner. The conversation shifted from the routine rundown on how our days had gone to the series of messages she had that day. My wife explained that she had been contacted by a guy she dated briefly during our separation, twenty years ago. Long story short, he wanted her to give things a try again and she just laughed him off, explaining to him that she had the best possible arrangement she could ask for. She loves her husband, has no intention of ever leaving, and, she has her boyfriend and plans to continue that relationship as long as it makes sense. Why would she give all that up for some guy she didn't really like twenty years ago? She ended the conversation with this guy by suggesting he forget her and never contact her again.
When I was a kid, it was a standard kid ploy for convincing your parents to let you spend the night at a friend's house by having each kid go to his mom and say, "Jimmy's mom says it's okay with her if it is okay with you."
In a case like that, you helped motivate your mom to say yes since, in her mind, another adult had already made the approval. Yes, it was a little white lie, but if your mom agreed, was there any real harm done? Of course, maybe parents already knew that trick from when they were kids and it just didn't matter. At least, I don;t recall my mom ever picking up the phone and making a call to establish the veracity of my claim.
As many of you know, about 18 months ago, I initiated a ploy with a buddy of my wife and mine, to arrange for a reconnection of sorts. I'll spare you a long back story, but in a nutshell, a guy that we had engaged in threesomes with more than a few decades ago came back into our life. The reasons the threesomes stopped in the first place was due to military moves. Now, as fate would have it, our families live within a few miles of one another. Opportunity.
I had joked with my wife about the possibility of rekindling the threesomes, but as with many women who hit middle age, she suffered from some body image related self-esteem issues. Her thought was, "He won't want to be with me."
She never ruled out the possibility of us resuming our threesome activities, and in fact, it was a constant topic of discussion as we would go down the list of acquaintances who I was turned on to imagine her fucking.
Step in my little instigating mind. I reached out to our friend, JD, and explained to him how I truly was missing our fun times and how my wife just needed a nudge to get her back into the swing of things. To be honest, he didn't quite understand my point of view or why I would willingly go along with this. I tried to explain to him the concept of compersion, but ultimately, I just reminded him how much I would get off whenever we had our threesomes in the past. I think that made the most sense to him, and he was eager to get started.
Before long, there were Facebook chats, text messages and even phone calls. Initially, she asked me if I had put him up to contacting her. I flat out lied and told her no. She did ask one or two more times as his interest seemed to grow. I was honest in telling her that he and I met for lunch and that we had e-mailed, and yes, I let her know that I told JD I was open to more threesomes. But I never confessed to her that I had established first contact and suggested he try to sway her back into threesomes.
As an aside, this is a tactic I do not encourage others to follow. I'm not going to try to list off reasons for why I chose to use this deceptive method, but I can tell you, I'm very happy with the outcome. If that makes me an asshole, so be it.
Over a period of months, the conversations continued and what developed was a rekindled friendship. We had stayed in touch with JD and his wife over the years, visited for cookouts or birthday parties, but we were never close, per se. What my wife learned was that the marriage was a pure facade for the sake of their young child. There had been no sexual contact at all in some time. Talk of divorce was and is a constant theme, but remaining together for the child is the argument closer. In short, this was not a guy trying to get some action on the side but rather a guy revealing intimate details and finding a shoulder to cry on.
It had been probably four or five months of conversations before we had the first renewed threesome. During that night as JD was getting dressed, my wife asked, "Are you sure you guys didn't plan this?"
That was the moment we should have come clean. Instead, JD said matter of factly, "No, not at all."
In truth, there is simply no reason we could not confess to our deception. In this case, the ends truly did justify the means. At this point, my wife is so happy with how the relationship is going. I'm happy, she is happy, JD is happy. But I won't confess now because there is simply no reason to. My wife's doubts were about her appearance and nothing more. I didn't pay some guy to pay her false compliments, I simply encouraged a guy who I knew was attracted to her in the first place, to let her know.
I guess my question is, am I so emotionally hollow that I can't see how wrong this is?
I often think about that commercial featuring Honest Abe Lincoln. He is cornered by his wife, portrayed by a woman of size who turns around and asks, "Does this dress make my behind look big?"
Poor Abe hmmms and haws and every husband in the world understands his dilemma. Though for most of us, the answer is a resounding, "No, honey, your ass does not look big at all."
My deception is wrong. I accept that I'm not as honest as good ol' Abe, but really, given the outcome and given the happiness my wife has been experiencing for some time now, shouldn't I get a pass?
Hoping for clemency,