I have written this post in my mind numerous times and even made a few attempts at posting on the topic before, but some how I just can't seem to get the words out right. I could say the same for my efforts to come clean with a colleague of mine, "W" (no relation to the former president).
"W" has worked in my office for almost a year, but we did not begin working closely together until several months ago. If we had to do a line-up of people and I was forced to guess who was gay and who wasn't, he surely would have been one of the "probably is" choices. He is in his early 30's, an engineer, and reminds me of Felix Unger from The Odd Couple. Very fastidious, thin and he always seems so serious. He wears these brown shoes that make me think they may have been his father's. He will come into my office and I'll see those shoes and immediately think of the opening scenes of My Three Son's, you know, with the tapping shoes.
It came out several weeks ago when "W" had to suddenly leave work to go investigate a "Peeping Tom" who had been spying on his room mate, that a) his room mate was male, and b) his room mate was more than just a room mate. So perhaps my gaydar is working...
In a perfect world I would call "W" into my office, tell him that I am Bi, he would then whip out his penis and I would suck it. We could then move on, do our work and each time he needed relief or I needed a fix, we would repeat the whipping out of penis and sucking part.
I think this is the problem many closeted gay and bi men have. There is this feeling that if you can just find a person you can share your secret with, it will automatically result in sex. It matters not that people could be married or in relationships, or that they may not be into random sexual encounters, or heaven forbid, that they simply may not be into you. There is this going in attitude that all you need is a person who is also gay, and the rest of it will take care of itself. I suppose if you read Craig's List, maybe that is true. But in the real world, just because a man likes breasts and he sees a woman with breasts, and she enjoys men fondling her breasts, there is no automatic guarantee that she will want that man to fondle her breasts, especially in the middle of the office. As heterosexual men, we learn this at an early age. We understand that you can't simply fuck any (or every) heterosexual woman you encounter.
But I have for a long time just thought that there must be so many men like me who would be accommodating, if only we found one another. Another married man perhaps, who in spite of being happily married craves the feel of another man. What if we could send our wives out shopping for a while, we could just kick back and suck each other! I'm sure there are relationships like that, but so far, nothing like that has found me.
So back to "W". I have been looking for ways to bring the topic up. "So, I hear you're gay." Just doesn't seem like a good start, especially in the work place. There have been several moments where I just had this urge to say, "Oh, by the way, I'm Bi" and just wait for the reaction. We were sitting in my office and he was looking over my shoulder as I worked on a PowerPoint slide. I had this urge to just type it in on the slide and quickly delete the words, but each time I started to, he made a suggestion on what to add to the slide. It just didn't happen.
I have often wished that there was a known two part symbol that gay people use to exchange bona fides. They say that Christians would draw a small ark on the ground and if the person they met drew an ark in the other direction to form the symbol of a fish, they would both know they were Christians. If the second person was not Christian and thus did not know to complete the fish, there was no cause for concern about the first guy being outed. I once asked Mr. Steed about these types of signals for gay people in public places, and he told me about men casually stroking the zipper of their jeans (in a non-masturbatory fashion of course) to give the clue. I constantly look for that sign but have never seen it.
I suspect this is the week I will simply come clean with "W". Is he as a gay man obligated to be my sounding board for sharing the secret? No, not at all. His response could be a very curt, "This is not appropriate in the work place" or it could be "You fucking homo, I'm going to tell everybody!" I have learned that he was married to a woman earlier in his life, then came out after realizing he was gay. I'd just like to hear his story and maybe share with him how I have dealt with this. And maybe then we can suck dicks.
The naughty ex-neighbor left a comment on my last post. Made my entire morning!