Friday, February 24, 2012

Recurring Dreams... (Part 2)

In part one of this story, I yammered on about how a high school relationship that ended because of a family move caused me years of depression and an inability to develop meaningful relationships with women.  I also threw in the twist that I was starting to wrap my mind around some of the sexual urges I had for years, but had never really understood.  I fear that this could be a really long post or even go into a third installment.  I apologize in advance for those who take the time to read it, but honestly, I'm just trying to sort things out for myself, and writing it here is very therapeutic.

Before I move on to how I think I got to where I am now - and that is really my intent in writing this - I need to elaborate a little on these sexual urges.  The Internet is full of blogs about married men who realize late in life they are gay or married women struggling with a husband who is a total closet case only to decide in the midst of a mid-life crisis that he could not suppress the urge to suck dick.  I feel for both sides.  I was listening to an older Dan Savage Lovecast the other day and he described closeted gay men who married and then could not offer their wives emotional and intimate closeness (not his exact words) as inflicting emotional violence upon the wife.  I don't know that I qualify for that label, but this is the part of the story where in hindsight, I can look back and see many clues from childhood that might have revealed to me that I was at least bi.  It wouldn't change the fact that I like women, but in a different time, I may have been more open about these urges I have felt toward other guys.

If I were 16 or 17 in today's society, would I have openly identified as bi?  Would I have ever considered a dating relationship with another guy?  Who knows?  It was not something we talked about and in fact, the idea of being gay was not even a concept that I understood.  I recognized men who were sissy's but I thought of them in terms of flamboyant actors like Charles Nelson Reilly or Elton John - who was married to a woman in those days.  Was Paul Lynde gay?  Of course he was, but it wasn't something ever publicly acknowledged by him or discussed on TV.   Today, the youth feeling the same urges I did have so many resources to help them better understand their feelings, and while there is still more change to come, in most cases a confused kid can find someone to talk to or at least read a biography of any number of public figures and see that they are not the only person to ever feel the same feelings.

When I was with my high school girlfriend, most of the urges I felt had faded.  Hell, I don't think I even jacked-off (another thing that used to be considered abnormal) during the time we were sexually active.  We were so open and into exploring new things - we did anal, sixty-nine, sex while driving - and at some point we came up with the idea of me going down on her after I had cum.  It had to have been my idea, but I don't recall.  She was all for it and so was I, until I would cum.  Like most men, I would lose the urge to do it once I had climaxed.  That was when she started the game of forcibly sitting on my face as soon as I came.  Was this just fun sex or was I subconsciously giving off clues?

Once in the military, I still did not fully understand how to express my feelings, but I know for a fact I loved showering in the gang showers.  Over time, I had observed the dick of nearly every guy I worked with.  I'm sure all guys casually check out other guys, but I used what I saw as masturbatory material.  I did have one friend, an older guy (he was in his mid twenties) who used to mentor me quite a bit.  There were so many times that I came close to revealing the urges that I had, but I just never found the words.
When I left my first overseas assignment on my way to Texas, I stopped at home for leave for a few weeks over Christmas.  Driving around my home town was extremely depressing.  Aside from the visual cues that brought old memories of the girl friend flooding back, I learned what a lot of people who join the military learn - you change a lot but your friends who stay behind don't.  Of the few guys I came in contact from high school, it was as if we had nothing in common.

I somehow had resigned myself to being miserable and in fact, I had these first thoughts in mind about simply finding a homeless woman or a hooker to marry as a convenience.  By being married, the military would allow me to move out of the dorms and increase my pay.  I might be able to develop a friendship with a grateful women happy to not be living on the streets and perhaps we would occasionally have sex.  It started out as a joke in my mind but the more I thought of it, I started adding in little details - the woman would not be homeless, definitely a hooker or at least a stripper.  We would be friends and  she would provide me all the details of her hi-jinks with other men.  This was about the time in history when Penthouse Forum started publishing letters from men who dared to write in that there wife had had sex with another man while they watched.  I'm sure there was some influence on my fantasy.

During my two day drive to Texas, I had this constant idea in my mind about meeting this special woman along the way, maybe at a truck stop or at a rest stop.  It's funny, but just writing that makes me think of some creepy serial killer looking for his next victim.  I assure you, my intentions were good.

When I made it to Texas - without a hitchhiker in my trunk -  I got settled in and started work in my new assignment in the Air Force.  It wasn't long before I was going out to clubs with a group of co-workers and looking for a little action and failing badly.  I seriously had no skills especially given the fact that if a girl was agreeable to dancing or sharing a drink, I was likely to come across as some guy who was just looking to get laid.  And I'm sure it didn't help that I was probably pretty drunk.

Not long after settling in, I took on a part time job and caught the eye of one of the managers.  I don't want to get too deep into the specifics, but I had no idea initially that she was even attracted to me.  I was pursuing her friend who also worked there (and who also had no interest in me).  The reason why I seemed at ease with this manager was that she was engaged to be married.  I didn't feel like I had to impress her or make any effort, and I was able to just be myself.

We spent a lot of time talking and shared some common interests but at first, there was nothing sexual, on my part anyway.  When we went out for the first time, I really thought it was just two co-workers going out.  I asked her all about her fiance and those sorts of things, and I could start to sense that she was losing interest in the idea of marrying him, and at the same time, beginning to show interest in me.

At first, I felt guilty and especially since her fiance was a guy in the Air Force, I felt like I was really betraying a fellow airman, whether I knew the guy or not.  But I got over it.  Once we had our first kiss, I basically told her she needed to make up her mind about  what she was going to do.

Several months later, we were dating, and  she was telling me that her parents were going to disown her and that she would be kicked out of the house for breaking off the engagement.  I was suddenly finding this relationship falling into place, sort of the way I had imagined my stripper fantasy. Not that my wife was a stripper, but she was a woman in need.  I remember buying her all these housewares and things telling her that I would help her get an apartment.  I had never met her parents but the picture she painted was that they were these really strict, highly religious, conservative people and that me coming into her life, breaking up her engagement, etc., meant I would never be able to meet them.  It was all so dramatic and as I would learn later, completely exaggerated and false.

I promise, I'll get to the point and wrap it up in part three...


Anonymous said...

JFB, thanks for sharing.I enjoy reading about your journey. Jim.

JFBreak said...

Thanks, Jim.