Saturday, February 25, 2012

Recurring Dreams... (Part 3)

If you are just picking it up here, you may wish to go back and read Part 1 of this long winded story, as well as Part 2.

When you have been married for as long as we have, people who meet you just assume that your marriage must have been built on a solid foundation of love and friendship and common interests.  The reality is, there have been times in my life that I felt like a hostage in this relationship.

Our courtship was very brief. In fact from the time I met her to the time we were married was easily under 3 or 4 months.  Initially, there was some sort of spark.  Here was an attractive girl who was definitely in to me, enough so that she had called off an engagement and in fact was putting her relationship with her family in jeopardy (so I was to understand) to be with me.  There was nothing spectacular to report about our sex life, but given the fact that I had not had any regular pattern of sex since high school, it was good enough for me.  We began talking marriage.

 I was really insistent on meeting her parents.  It was just something I felt was the right thing to do.  I was a good guy with a steady job (two jobs in fact) and I felt like I could convince her parents that things would be okay.   I had talked with my parents a lot and told them I was talking marriage and my mother told me over and over that I needed to meet the family. I agreed.  She refused repeatedly.

As much as this woman filled the fantasy of the someone in need who I could scoop up like a knight in shining armor, it was becoming obvious that the entire relationship was entirely too weird.  I recall making up my mind to meet her on a Sunday night and break it off.  I would break-up, quit the part time job and be done.  It was all just too much.

That Sunday night as I began the break-up conversation, she pulled a fast one on me.  She said she wanted to get married tomorrow, or it was over.  Problem solved, right?

On Monday, we went and got our marriage license, and on Tuesday, I took a day of leave from work and we got married by a local judge.  We had dinner with another couple the local Steak & Ale, off to my dorm for a quick consummation of the marriage and on our wedding night, she slept at her parents house as if nothing had ever happened.

I knew from the word go that this was not fitting the fantasy I had.  In all honesty, I could not help comparing her to the girl from high school and how I had just made a huge mistake.

I do believe that there is more than one person for everyone.  The idea that you find "the one" and if that doesn't work out, you will never find love again is just wrong.  I'm not saying I'm for it, but I also believe that arranged marriages can work and I believe that if you are willing to give a little bit, you can have an enjoyable life with someone who may not be your idea of "the one".  I firmly believe that you can love more than one person at a time.  And I also believe that we were not meant to be monogamous, but in reality, it works for most of us.  I only bring all of this up to make it very clear that, regardless of these recurring dreams I have about a girl from 30 years ago, I realize that my ability to find love and happiness was not lost forever the moment that my high school sweetheart was no longer available.

The fact that I am actually a Facebook friend with the old flame has helped me to see how our lives are so completely different now.  Certainly, the same is true for all the friends I had in high school.  I don't think it is so much a desire to go back in time and cancel every moment in time with my wife in favor of a do-over.  Instead I suspect my dreams have something to do with the lack of intimacy in a relationship that I crave.

If people were to read what I have written, they might offer me the advice that life is too short, you should be happy and you should get out of this relationship.  You should find the stripper and blow guys when you get the urge.  That isn't the intimacy I crave.  More importantly, in spite of the issues I do have with my wife, I simply have no intention of leaving her, ever.  There are worse relationships, and at least we get along, spend time together and we have two wonderful children.

I have cut short on the details of our marriage and what some of the issues are.  I've either addressed them in this blog before or I imagine I'll write about them another time.  In the week that it took me to find enough alone time to write these three parts of the story, the depression lifted, the recurring dreams stopped (for the moment) and life goes on.

As for the high school girl, I have often wondered if instead of dreaming of telling her how hard it was for me to get over her and the number of years I have obsessed over it, if I should just tell her?  I think the answer is an obvious "no".  She is happily married, has her own life to live and how would it benefit either of us.


Anonymous said...

JFB,again, thanks for sharing. You have a lot to say and I am sure that the sotry is larger than what you have written here. Do yourself a favor and find someone to talk to about you and your life regardless if you don't want to make any life changes. An objective listener could help bring clarity to things and teach you something along the way. Best, Jim.

JFBreak said...

Jim, I always appreciate your comments and e-mails. I think you are right about talking with someone. Who knows, one of my co-workers may be of help.

Hyacinth said...

Dreams are our minds way of solving problems sometimes. I once worked through a breakup through a series of 5 dreams; waking up feeling better after each one. It was one of the coolest things I'd ever experienced and I never had to breathe a word of it to the dude.

Thanks for sharing more of your history.

JFBreak said...

I once worked through a breakup through a series of 5 dreams; waking up feeling better after each one.

Hy, I really do think that is the magic of dreams. They help us process things with an open mind. My problem is, I tend to want the dream to keep going and feel sad when I wake up - the opposite of what is supposed to happen! But it all works out in the end. I'm fine now.