Saturday morning, I slept in to about 6AM. After rolling over and looking at the clock I turned over on my other side and saw my wife sleeping. I should have been thrilled that I was a twenty-one year old with a wife and that equated to regular sex whenever I wanted. A normal guy in his first week of marriage probably would have nudged his new bride awake with an erection but instead I felt conflicted.
I put on some coffee and let her sleep in. Six in the morning was late for me, but on her days off, that was way too early. I would learn to enjoy that difference.
I quietly slipped out the front door of our apartment and headed down stairs to my car. I needed to get away. I drove around looking for one of those self-service car wash places and all I could think about as I explored our new neighborhood was how trapped I felt.
When I returned to the apartment an hour later, my wife was up and she had an extremely concerned look on her face. "Where were you?"
Before I could even respond, I felt my stomach begin to turn and a nausea coming on. Now I really felt trapped. "I went to wash the car." It really wasn't and shouldn't have been a big deal. She was asleep, why would I wake her to get approval to leave? Was this how it would be forever?
For much of my marriage I have had to sneak away in order to have time alone. Before the Internet, this was accomplished by running errands when my wife was in the midst of some task that would have been inconvenient for her to tag along. It isn't an issue of not wanting to be with her, it is about just having time alone to myself.
Though this need for my own space started long before the Internet, once I found AOL, I found the desire for more time alone. Yes, you immediately translate this to porn time, but in truth, the Internet is so full of information beyond the smorgasbord of smut, but just because it may be G rated, doesn't mean I want my wife looking over my shoulder as I read and research. About the time we got the Internet in our house, my wife started staying up late and I started getting up early. Coincidence?
I know that many people would read this and simply ask the question, why did we stay together? It is a fair question. The real truth is, my desire for time alone is probably not uncommon. I think what happens is that most people in similar situations make use of their jobs to be that outlet? I mean, how many of you sit at your desk at work and surf the Internet? Look at porn? Chat with friends? Essentially, your boss is paying you to get that shit out of your system while you are on the clock. By the time you get home, all your outside activity is taken care of. I don't know, maybe I am generalizing a little too much. But the reason why it isn't worth divorcing over is that, really it is an irritant.
Where I fear things may turn bad is when I retire and am home all the time. Am I going to feel that urge to slither out of bed, quietly sneak out the door and take my truck to the car wash? How will I justify waking up at the crack of dawn when I don't have a job to go to?
I suppose these are things that people just handle when they get to that point in their lives. I see myself being volunteer of the year, hoping to help out at a shelter or some sort of thrift store a few days a week. Who knows, perhaps there will be some sexy senior citizens who want to participate in sexy volunteer time hijinks.
I know I've written about this before in some for or fashion. The fact that I can't seem to stop thinking about it might somehow be related to that ticking clock that says I'm getting closer to the inevitable confrontation when retirement actually comes.