This is just me trying to work some things out with myself. I'm not going to be offended if you hit the back-button now and likewise, if you feel like commenting, that would be just as fine.
Somebody posted a quote on Facebook the other day and I wish I had written it down. It was something along the lines of, "On the Internet, you're never a freak" because, no matter how bizarre you think your kink is, there is someone else out there who is into it and more.
The Internet in the mid 1990's helped me understand and accept what I knew about myself. That whole interest in wife-sharing that I had and I felt some awkward about? Come to find out, swinging was more than just something they made fun of in sitcoms on TV. Later, the Internet came to help me accept and even embrace my bisexuality. Yea, it turns out I wasn't the first guy to like women and yet still feel the urge for something stiffer than a drink.
Other people's porn can help you ease into the fact that those kinky thoughts that keep popping up in your mind just aren't as kinky as you think they are. I used to think pictures of a wife displaying her pussy with the freshly sprayed cum of a lover's cum was so exciting because in my mind, there was an implication of a husband eagerly waiting to go down on her and clean up the mess that had been made by another man. It was all taking something that was there and adding my own fantasy to the imagery. Now, you can do a search on cum eating cuckolds and probably find a dedicated channel where an actual wife and her actual lover fuck while her actual husband watches, then cleans the mess up. I mean, you don't have to fantasize about it, it is there for you to watch.
I feel like everything that my mind has had an opportunity to imagine, or let me say, consider as something I'd want to try, the Internet has proven that I'm not alone. It may not make it right all the time, because after all, the Internet is also known for Two Girls, One Cup (and don't search on that, I promise, you'll regret it).
It isn't just movies or pictures either. There are so many wonderful blogs dedicated to any interest you could possibly desire. People write fantasies and others tell true stories of the adventures they've participated in. There are pages dedicated to wives who found out their husbands were gay, husbands who found out their wife was cheating, people who were failing at marriage and decided to open things up because, why the hell not. I'm sure if you are into BDSM you will find any variety of what you are looking for and in essence, the Internet will provide you with the relief you need to feel like you are not the only person out there who has this big urge to put on a diaper and shit yourself while some motherly woman rocks you. No, that's definitely not one of mine!
I guess I'm beating around the bush here.
I've never been unfaithful to my wife. I know what you are thinking, Dude, you might want to read your own blog. So let me put it this way. In every sense of the word, I have been unfaithful dozens of times. From the antics that have taken place over the years at work to the Internet friendships I have developed, and certainly, this very blog could be considered a form of infidelity. But I have never been in a situation where I act upon forming a physical relationship with another person where it is clearly understood that this is a hidden arrangement that could involve, who knows what?
I got close with my friend, Co-Worker L. We kissed, we talked, we hugged. It never got any more physical than that. There is the lady in my office who grabbed my dick the other day just because she wanted to feel it. There was/is Emma. I can't tell you how bad I wanted Emma, but there was no way that could ever happen. Look at Aunt Clara. Let's be honest, she really has been probably my closest friend in terms of sharing all my inner thoughts. You just know if we found ourselves in the same state, I'd give her what she really, really wants and needs. And she'd repay the favor. There are others. Women and men I tell details of my life to that my wife would cringe at. In that sort of way, I've been a cheating bastard for years.
But I'm still beating around the bush.
My latest friend pushes the limits of polite company and good taste beyond even the level of my friendship with Emma. Emma, as you recall has been a friend of the family most her life. Erin has too. I've been going over and over in my head what it is that is allowing me to have these feelings for someone so much younger than me. It isn't like she is half my age. Close, but she is a grown woman, an adult, a mother, a professional. It isn't like I'm trolling the local high school or even the coeds at one of our universities. But still, there is that thing. I sound like I'm trying to convince myself of something.
I told Erin how much I appreciated her letting me feel all these feelings, that it was nice of her and how I was willing to just let it all go. But then she asked, "What about my feelings?"
Uh... Wait a second. She wasn't just being nice to me?
A one-night stand, a glory hole in the mall restroom, an affair with a co-worker. All of these things would be much easier to deal with.
You know that weird flippity-floppity feeling your stomach gets in the 7th grade when a pretty girl smiles at you? I had one of those moments with Erin. I'm a Goddamned hot mess.