Thursday, August 20, 2015

The Ease of Deceit...

I once asked JD if he ever worried about his wife catching him in a lie.  This was years ago back when my wife and I were regularly enjoying threesomes.  I was worried that our fuck buddy, JD might slip up and his wife would find out he was coming over to our house for sex, thereby implicating my wife and me in the little sex crime.  He looked at me with a straight face and said he had no conscience whatsoever and he had the ability to lie without hesitation or concern.   He could lie to his mother, to his pastor, to his wife, to the police and never give it a second thought.  And the truth is, from what I can tell some 20 years later, his wife never found out.

I've never been that good.  I hadn't even been married six months when I found myself in a bar with my brother-in-law and somehow I caught the eye of this beautiful Latina enjoying afternoon drinks at this less than classy hole-in-the-wall.  I recall her name was Alex, or that was what she said.  Within minutes we were making out and I was already contemplating options for where we could go to fuck.  Thankfully, the make out session was interrupted by Alex's husband returning to the bar, completely oblivious to the fact that the reason I was standing so close to her was that seconds earlier, she had my tongue buried in her throat.  My brother-in-law decided we should probably go, and that was a good idea.

By the time I got home from that little outing, I was a nervous wreck. I had concluded that my marriage was over, that my wife would want the name and address of the bitch I had been with and there would be all this turmoil. Somehow, I kept my cool, and nothing ever came of it.  I didn't talk in my sleep or confess my sins.

Throughout my marriage, all of my indiscretions with women have been minor, I guess the term would be affairs, but that's not what they have been.  Friendships that include kissing or touching, a rare blowjob maybe.  But nothing that could get a lady pregnant.  I've always felt more guilt about the emotional state of these friendships. I've told women, women who have known my wife personally, very private and personal details of our lives.  In my opinion, when it comes to cheating, that is a bigger crime than sticking my dick in some other woman.  Does anyone else see it the same way?

I guess over time, I have been able to just accept that these little violations have not risen to the level of being nervous. I don't have to lie to her face if she doesn't see me being nervous about something warranting questions.

But now, there  is some inner turmoil that is taking place.  I've never had good sleeping habits, but now there is insomnia.  Laying in bed for hours trying to clear my mind so I can simply get some sleep.  That adds to stress.  Stress at work, stress at home, stress driving.  I let lose a verbal tirade over e-mail to an audience of many, targeted at a guy I had never met in person.  Then, moments later a colleague made the mistake of bringing up a topic that got me started.  I felt horrible by the time I left his office.  Over the past several weeks, I've often felt like I was going to spiral out of control.  E-mails help - thank you, friends.

Anyway, I put myself in these situations.  Nobody forces me to engage in these detail rich, private and often intimate conversations that provide so much enjoyment and fulfillment in my life.  And usually, I don;t have a care in the world that I engage in them.  Lately, it feels a little different.  Maybe I've pushed the envelop a little too far.


Yesterday I was talking with a colleague and he informed me that my old friend JD had just started working with him and that he was going to send him to my office to discuss some work related issues.  I'm going to try to blow him and then invite him out to the house.  Just for old time's sake.  


Mike said...

I hear you...The double secret life I've perpetuated over the last 10 years will probably come back to bite me, but I've never had a problem maintaining the secrets and compartmentalizing my secret life from my public life, I guess that makes me somewhat of an asshole since my wife does not deserve my behavior. It's like an addiction.

JFBreak said...

Mike - thanks for the comment. It is interesting, I've been having a very nice e-mail exchange with a reader who is helping me to uncover some of the deep down mental reasons I do what I do. You are right, our wives don't deserve this behavior, and yes, it is like an addiction (though I do not believe in the term "sex addiction").

We are not alone.