So this happened. When they rolled me into the OR, they had already done the nerve block (though it wasn’t working yet). They got me ready to do the spinal injection and it all happened at a quick pace, I think so you don’t get time to freak out.
Anyway, I was laying there once it was done and I could feel my head starting to go numb. So I said to the older guy who was some sort of tech, "Is my head supposed to be going numb?"
He was asking me what I meant and I was just saying I could feel my neck and face and my head starting to go numb. Then, I realized that my throat was tightening.
The nurse who administered it said, "Sir, your vitals are fine. Everything is okay, you just need to relax."
I could tell she was nervous. She was clearly a student. Her boss/trainer was behind her and he was super calm telling her to do stuff.
She told me my vitals were good and this is no lie, the older tech and two other techs said they were done with their part, good luck and walked out. Maybe it was my drugged up imagination, but I took it like they didn't want to be involved in the pending investigation!
The next thing I know is that I had this feeling that I was going to die before my surgery even started. Like not even in a funny way. And honestly, there was no light at the end of the tunnel but certainly some geometric images and confusion, then just this feeling that this is how the brain shuts down.
I quickly said, "Vitals may be good but I’m passing out right now."
When I woke up, I have no idea how long I had been out but my surgeon walked in and said, "Ready?"
That was the last thing I remember until they woke me up to take me to recovery. He was high fiving his staff and saying positive things that I had no idea about.
This time, I was super lucid when I got to the post op and had no issues.
Anyway, I’m really glad I could remember my foray into almost dying. They brought a man into the bed next to mine and he was apparently super religious. His pastor visited, got calls from an elder of some sort and another pastor.
I wanted to casually yell over the curtain, "The brain just stops. That’s it."
I have no idea what really happened or if I was ever in any real danger. The cool thing is, it actually gave me some emotional comfort, real or imagined, that it is okay, you know, to not live.
Please don't misunderstand. I'm not ready or anything, but just not worried.