I was siting in the office of a female colleague who has been super flirtatious in the past. Okay, she has showed me her pussy, that has to count as flirtatious. She is tall, in fact she towers over most of the guys in the building. She is a runner and has the legs and tan to show for it.
As we talked about some work related issue, I stopped mid sentence and said, "Jesus, your legs are so smooth and long and beautiful. I'd love to just rub them and fondle them."
She got a really embarrassed grin on her face and actually looked away trying to hide her quickly reddening face.
"What's wrong? Did I upset you?" I asked.
"No. It's just that I never hear any compliments from anyone."
"Well, I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true." I offered.
This made me think about my own wife and what a true, unromantic asshole I can be.
I've realized that two of the younger women I have occasional emails with are just unreachable for me. In both cases, I think that my standard words of wisdom or advice are completely useless. It makes me feel old and it makes me feel inadequate.
I get colleagues of all ages and levels of seniority come to me for advice about issues both work related and personal. I'm just one of those people who seems to be able to make people feel better about the situation they are in. Yet with these two women, I find that I have nothing of any value to offer. Of course, I'm referring to both Emma and Erin.
Both have their own personal issues that I want desperately to offer my advice on, and in both cases, I seem to find nothing of redeeming value to say. Emma actually tells me the truth, that my words often do more harm than good. All I can do is apologize for being inadequate. Erin is a little less forthcoming in her complaint. She simply tells me she loves me and ends the conversation, not to be heard from again for three weeks.
I'll share this little note I sent to one of them today:
I know saying this is more for me than you, but I feel like I'm unable to say anything of any value to you. I think I probably upset you more than anything. It really is confusing to me. That's not your problem, but mine. I guess I'm just so used to being able to come up with something to say that makes people feel better, and in your case, I seem to do the opposite. I've always known you to be a very intelligent woman and perhaps that is part of the problem. I say things to you that sound smart to other people, but to you, my words are simple and of little value.
I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, sorry that I can't impress you. I'm just trying to state what is probably obvious to you. I just don't have the mind to compare with the conversations you want to have. I'll admit it is depressing. I enjoy what you have to say, but there is no joy in being a burden for you to have to read what I have to offer.
There is a sense of dread when I wake up these days. It isn't me not wanting to get up and head to work It actually has to do with the weekends coming sooner, the months going faster and the years starting to spin forward much quicker than I recall they did when I was much younger. In the grand scheme of things, I know I am still fairly young. I mean, the people who are ten years my senior still seem reasonably young in my mind. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'm starting to wish things would slow down a bit.
I got a call from my doctor's nurse a while ago with instructions to double a dose of one of the many drugs I take. It's just another sign to me that I've got to get my shit together. Someone told me not long ago that I was in a downward spiral. I don't think she meant physically, but it seems to fit.
I have been walking around my neighborhood after work these days to help get some exercise. It is already in the high 90's here in Texas (102 as I type this) and it isn't unreasonable to find that sort of heat oppressive when it comes to exercise.
Yesterday I was ready to do my walk when my wife suggested I go with her to our local grocery. I turned on my Fitbit to track my steps and interestingly, I walked almost as much in the air conditioning and with the added bonus of seeing a fine buffet of young professional women either shopping on the way home from work or shopping on their way home from the gym. In either case, I approve! Call me a pervert but I love a woman dressed for a professional setting and I also love a woman dressed for the gym. I guess I should be happy that I'm at least getting exercise while enjoying the view.
I've already had my mid-life crisis (many of you followed it as it happened on the blog), so this is just me saying, I need to make the best of things before they slip away.
Please don't get the idea that I'm in some sort of funk. These are just some random notes I e-mail myself throughout the day.
Also, if you e-mail, please know that I am only able to access my e-mail from my truck during the work day. Yep, one of those jobs where we can;t have cell phones inside or access naughty G-Mail accounts. I do try to check and respond as many times as I can, but I actually do more than flirt with my co-workers and sneak off to back offices for BJ's.
Comments and e-mails are always appreciated.
May your day be filled with joy,